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Haynes Manuals



For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car. For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at car-owners who want to fix their own cars and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.

Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...

Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).

Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).

Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

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5 answers to this question


How very true Ron ::D:

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Haynes Car Manuals :lol:

The bible of the DIY motorist and I have stacks of them! Would be lost without Haynes although our current vehicles are too modern for Haynes to apply unfortunately.

They've got me out of a load of trouble in the past but I agree there is a knack to interpreting the contents. ::D:

The worst part of them for me is when the job you're doing is 75% complete they suddenly tell you, you need a manufacturers tool to tighten something up. Its usually Sunday afternoon, the accessory shops wouldn't have the tool anyway, so thats when ingnuity and the willingness to chance it kicks in. Later when the jobs done you keep wondering whether you've done it right!

Those were the days :fear:

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For those who would like a few more of these very true translations

The only real use apart from settings and other data I have put the Haynes manual to was the pictures to help rebuild a gearbox and I must say they are priceless although it took me all day. Sometime later I took a gearbox to an expert and had to wait while he repaired it. This is something else to behold, a few bolts out here and there, a couple of shafts withdrawn, upside down and a good shake removed all the innards into a big heap on the bench. I know we can all take things to bits like that, but he just replaced the worn parts from unmarked boxes that were all around him and everything was back together in less than 40 minutes from start to finish, magical and another lesson learnt.........

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Great, been a while since I've seen that.

I'll just go & get my 'Lancashire Socket Set' ::D:

(4Ib Lump Hammer & Mole-Grips)

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Saved me some money over the years. used to be the first thing I bought after buying a new (old) car!!! As was said before...those were the days. You look under the bonnet now and just scratch your head!!

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